The Insanity of Motherhood
Who would’ve thought that becoming a mother would become the hardest, most difficult task in my life? I feel like I’m slowly going insane. I was once a caffeine fueled junkie who excelled at working long hours, networking with professional big-wigs, working on big projects with a regular routine of sleep, fun with my husband and friends. Now I feel like I struggle to make it through the day. I barely get an opportunity to speak with my friends because my 5 month old and 4 year old seem to demand all of my attention. Anytime I get on the phone somehow it becomes pay attention to me time. “Look Mommy I’m using my outside voice.” My 5 month old who is currently cooing and smiling at me right now is plotting something diabolical–I just know it. I’m not focused on him and soon he’s going to let me know how he feels about that. This won’t be pretty.
My girlfriend came by for a visit and said, “I see the problem. He’s spoiled. You pick him right up when he cries and he knows that he controls you.” Some of you are probably shaking your head in agreement, but who tells you that you’re not supposed to pick up your child so much. I did the same thing with my oldest son and yes, he thinks that the world does revolve around him because for 4 years it did. Okay, so maybe I should’ve done differently with this one? I never intended on having another child, but apparently God had other plans for me. I’m still waiting for him to tell me what that is. I used to think that I knew, now I’m just confused, depressed and angry. I can’t seem to focus on my writing because something child related is always pulling me away. I feel like I’m wading in an abyss of never ending children, housework and empty words and phrases, which never make it onto a page. My muse is getting cranky. I feel like there is a major backup (like a freeway) in my mind and ideas are getting lost and my thoughts continue to jumble together in no apparent way that makes sense. My husband who is a great guy is working his tail off, but that doesn’t help when I need a break. The kids always hang out with me and although that’s nice–I wish they would use him for a jungle gym sometimes.
My arms and legs are exhausted from dragging the kids around all day. My husband’s grandmother said her son did the same thing. I thought it was cute, until Miles (the 4 year old) began to do the same thing. Aiden, the 5 month old can’t have me out of his sight or he wails. Lately, he’s been wailing alot. 2 tiny teeth have made their arrival and sleep, playtime and feeding time have all been interrupted. He’s extra fussy and cranky. Someone needs to tell mothers that many days will bleed into the next one with the never ending list of chores, children’s needs and marital stuff. I have an idea for a story about a woman who is stressed and depressed and just wants to leave her family, but something wonderful happens and makes her stay. I know there is not enough of a story here because there’s no drama, but I think I’m getting close to an antagonist for my story. If I can clear out the backlog of ideas in my head I think I can pull an outline together for a decent story for mothers. Motherhood is not rosy it’s difficult and sometimes crazy. Now that I’ve written this down and understand this more–I’m feeling a little better, but still have a long way to go. I desperately need a break.
A few hours to sleep and write would be nice. Life seems to be passing me by. My feelings of irrelevance grow stronger every time I see a book, movie, event or TV show about one of my story ideas. My short story will be out soon and that will be my first step back into the world that I sorely miss. Hopefully that will help to validate some of my feelings. I encourage any mother reading this to take time for yourself and to know that you’re not the only one, even though you feel like it. I know I’m not alone, but its hard to express how you feel without the criticism and judgement that people direct at you. Mothers face the hardest criticism because motherhood is supposed to be natural. I’m here to tell you I don’t believe that. I think for the most part the basic needs are natural, but after that everything else is learned behavior. My mother and I didn’t have a relationship like what you see on TV, but she was a good mother. I was a Daddy’s girl and that’s a whole other story. My struggle as I shared with a girlfriend is how much I worry about damaging my sons emotionally. I spent over 10 years trying to get through my issues with my parents. I worry my sons will lay across someone’s couch and make the same complaints.
The truth of the matter is no matter how hard you try as a parent you will mess up something. I have to remember everything that I do is in love and at the end of the day that is what matters. Now if only it was this easy to take a nap or write a chapter for one of my novels or screenplays than life would get back to my normal. My husband says I need to adapt. Again I imagine his head exploding. For those of you that don’t know, but when my husband says something that I don’t like I imagine his head exploding green goo. I’m a visual person with a photographic memory so it works for me. It keeps me from pursuing acts of violence against him. Ha! Ha! Just kidding, but seriously the head exploding thing works. I encourage everyone to continue writing. You have something important to say, even if its only important to one person.
See ya’ next month. Gotta go. I have a baby hanging onto me. Happy Writing all!!!!
You can find me on twitter@batchelordavis and on FB@Kimberly Batchelor Davis.
